My Way Back

I felt disconnected from life, from loved ones, even from God. Although there were always other people around, I felt isolated and alone. When had this overwhelming weariness started? How long had this feeling of utter emptiness been here? Where had this unbearable burden of hopelessness come from? How long had I been living with this debilitating depression that had stolen all my joy? I wondered if I would ever again find rest for my soul.

Wait! I am a Christian. A follower of Almighty God. I am not supposed to be DEPRESSED! I am supposed to walk in “Peace that Surpasses Understanding” and “Faith that Moves Mountains”. I am supposed to be “More than a Conqueror” who rises above and overcomes and stands in victory. So what is the matter with me?

I know, I will talk my way out of it! Everyone knows that I could win a marathon with my mouth. I will tell anyone who will listen about the faithfulness and goodness of the Lord. I will go on and on about the wonderfulness of God’s mercy and about how His grace gives strength to overcome temptation. Surely speaking the truth to others will convince my own heart!

Whoa! Why is this not working? Why is my heart still empty and unsatisfied? Why do my words of encouragement to others return as nothing but a blaring gong to my own ear?

I know, Prayer is the Answer! Good old reliable prayer. That marvelous weapon for fighting everything from poverty to pride! Surely prayer will deliver me! I will beg. I will plead. I will bargain with the Father in the Name of the Son. It has to work!

So, where is the consolation? Why is my heart still so heavy? Is this chasm of pain so deep that even God's voice cannot penetrate it? Perhaps the Lord has grown so weary of my complaints that He is not listening anymore. Maybe God just does not care!

Wait, don't go there! God has to care! The Scriptures say so and they cannot lie. Ah, the Bible, that is the ticket! The Anointed Word of God. It has guided me through over two decades of trials and tribulations with its Wisdom. Surely God's Word holds the truth that will set me free!

Oh dear, something is wrong! I cannot bring myself to open the Bible. It is after all, a two-edged sword. What if all I can find are passages that convict and heap burning coals of condemnation on my head? What if I read twenty chapters and nothing stirs my spirit? I know, I’ll read Psalms! Surely, that will help. All those people crying out to God in their despair, boy can I relate! But what if entering into all that weeping and worrying just makes me more depressed? No, I cannot risk that, better not open the book, what would be the point?

Maybe I should just give up. Maybe there are no answers. Maybe deliverance is just a myth. Maybe I am to exhausted to care anyway.

And yet, in spite of my physical weariness and my emotional barrenness, there is something…deep within my spirit that refuses to throw in the towel. A tiny seed of FAITH, planted by the hand of the Father, nurtured by the love of the Savior, and so deeply rooted by the Spirit of God that it refuses to be chocked out. A kernel of HOPE that refuses to be silenced, crying out to the Almighty, “Help Me Find the Way--Lead Me Back to You!”

“The Way Back” did not come in a lightening bolt of revelation. It wove its way subtly, over many weeks, through the love and concern of my brothers and sisters in Christ.

It came through Russ and Sandi, whose council I have not always appreciated, but have consistently found to be so rich in Godly Wisdom that it is foolishness not to heed it.

It came through Diana and Sandra, who never shy away from telling me what God has shown them, good or bad, concerning me, always sharing this truth with loving compassion.

It came through Pastor Jim, who graciously accepts me, just as I am, even when I am unlovable and breaking his shepherd’s heart.

It came through Rosie, Mary, and Malinda, who all go out of their way to pull me aside and dare me not to return their hugs, even when my walls are up or I am buried in my shell.

It came through Asneth, whose friendship and eagerness (yes eagerness!) to help me care for Alexander are more precious than gold.

It came through Videll, who won’t let me duck out the back door if he feels I need prayer.

It came through Susan, whose steadfast faith in the midst of the most shattering trial strengthened my own faith more then she will ever realize.

It came through Reverand Bob, whose words testify to the glory of God every time he opens his mouth to speak.

It came through Bill, leading me through worship every Sunday morning into the presence of the Lord where my soul found refreshment that enabled me to keep going, no matter how heavy the burden was.

It came through Gale whose quick wit and unconventional perspective of common things, generate laughter that brings more healing power than any medicine ever could.

It came through Ariel, who despite his own apprehensions and insecurities, helped relieve my burdens by taking over leadership of the Youth Ministry and through Amy who jumped in to fill the gap that my stepping down from that leadership left. Watching God work through them reminded me that the Lord is able to take care of whatever we release to Him and enabled me to let go of other things that I held to tightly.

It came through the Youth. The High School girls, Britney, Rachael, Bethany, Jena, and Cheniece who constantly encouraged me and reminded me that I am cared about. Through the Junior High Kids who shared their hearts with me, trusting me with their questions even when I was ill prepared. These young people, all of them, have taught me far more than I will ever teach them.

It came through Keith, Bobby, John, and Jim who go out of their way to help me with dumb stuff I cannot handle, like flooded carpets, locked up keys, and broken windows.

It came through other "moms" who helped ease the stress of caring for a perpetual-motion-three-year-old by watching him once in a while so that I could sit down and finish a cup of coffee.

“The Way Back” came through my church family, in so many ways, as they function one with another in the Love of Christ. They prayed with me. They cried with me. They were gracious to me even when I was not so gracious in return. I will never be able to thank them enough for the loving kindness they have shown me.

I write these words today, with overwhelming gratitude in my heart to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, For it is His tender mercy that gave me the undeserved privilege of sharing fellowship with believers who truly understand what it means to be Servants of the Lord.